Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
