my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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