remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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