The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
