I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
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