cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
