This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
