I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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