I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
