I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
