I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
