i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
