I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
