got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
