Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
