the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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