Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
