Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
