I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
