and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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