Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
