My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
