So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
