Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
