If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
