the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
