i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
