my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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