we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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