youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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