I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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