Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Randomize
