is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
