dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
