He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize