I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
