Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize