I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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