This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize