does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
