I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize