I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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