You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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