If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
