You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
