Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
