it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
