Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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