My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
