one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
