I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
this just has baby written all over it
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
