Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
