rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
