last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
