11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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