he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
