you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
