I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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