He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
