her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
